Direction/Tour de Bear Lake

This last weekend left me with mixed feelings.  Yes, part of that was because of a Utah State loss and a University of Utah win, but most of it was about how the rest of the weekend went.  The stark contrast between the me of Friday/Saturday, and the me of Sunday really helped put things into perspective.  Friday and Saturday I was admittedly at my worst.  It was the me I hate and the me I want to and had hoped to get rid of.  Unfortunately it is still there and I don't want to be that person.  Fortunately there was Sunday and a group of friends who were willing to put up with me for another day.

A hangover and embarrassment was not enough for me to back out of the plans to ride a bike around Bear Lake.  If anything it made it more important to do so.  To prove to myself I was more than my mistakes and maybe a chance to prove to my friends that I am not just a shit show.  So at 11:30, I made the long lonely drive to Bear Lake.  Dave ended up bringing more people than we thought so at least we had a support crew if something went wrong on the ride.  We headed out late (4:00) with a scary lack of preparation. To add to our troubles it was a windy day.  Mike and Dave looked like the real deal.  They had real bikes with real outfits and a combined 2 percent body fat.  Clint was on his single-speed, but had skinny slick tires, a light bike, bike shorts, and apparently the eye of the tiger.  Me.....  Well, I had the wrong bike for the job and just had a tank top a back-pack and some basketball shorts.  My bike has a suspension fork, nobby tires, and weighs over 30 pounds.  I didn't really fit in...

I was a little nervous when we headed out but for the first little bit I was feeling pretty comfortable.  My legs felt great, my wind was fine, and the road resistance wasn't too bad.  Then we hit the chipped road and it began to hit me that I was going to have to work my ass off to keep a pace of 20 mph.  We were also going into a 20ish mph wind.  It was brutal.  The conversations we had at the start were awesome and I was desperately trying to keep up if for nothing more than the entertainment, but no matter how i pushed my bike (or me) wasn't fast enough.  At one point Mike even passed me.... COASTING! and I was pedaling at a steady rate!  We stayed together for about one fifth the distance around the lake, but when I cleared the next hill they were already zooming around the corner probably a quarter mile away.  At this point I knew I was on my own for the rest of the trip.  I knew they wouldn't stop and wait and I didn't want them too.  There was no way I could keep up anyway.  So I hit the south side of the lake solo and that's when the wind decided to be a complete dick.  I seriously was ready to confiscate the first road bike I saw, without regard to the consequences.  At this point the fastest I could push myself was probably 8 mph.  I was getting frustrated.  I felt like I was pedaling so hard for so long but I just wasn't getting any speed out of it.  I finally hit the west side of the lake and things got instantly better.  The road got smoother and the wind died down just a little.  It was here I finally saw the crew again.  They were about two miles out in front of me!  Once I saw them it gave me some hope that if I really push it and never stop pedaling even for a second I can catch them.  It was a pipe dream but it gave me a goal.  I was in auto-mode and felt pretty good until I was about into town.  Then I hit another wall.  At this point I couldn't help but start thinking about the fact that I was just riding alone around a lake and my car was parked just a mile or so away.  I had plenty of reasonable excuses; I had the wrong bike, wrong clothes, was hungover, hungry, and I had been left behind.  I couldn't quit.  At the start I already decided that no matter what happened I was going around this lake under my own power, even if I had to do it after everyone else had left for bed.

So I just kept going and around each long corner the bikes in front got closer and closer.  At about the 80% point I was finally closing in on one of them and thought for sure I was about to catch Clint, but as I got closer and closer I realized it was Mike.  All I could think is that Clint either quit or is a total badass on his single speed.  I knew Clint wasn't a quitter so it had to be the latter.  Clint is a badass.  After about 10 miles, some cramping and severe glycogen ups/downs  (I had foolishly only eaten about 900 calories before the ride and I am sure Mike had about a half a peanut all week. Also it turns out drinking a bunch of beer the day before is not an affective form of "carb loading") Mike and I crossed the "finish line" together.  It was an amazing feeling.  I know it wasn't a marathon or a real race, but it still was 52 miles in 3.5 hours under far from ideal circumstances.  I had an easy out and still finished!  It was the farthest I had ever gone under my own power and I was proud of myself.  Something I couldn't have imagined feeling just 10 hours earlier.  It is becoming more and more clear the direction I need to go.

The American Dream

The events of 9-11-01 will never be forgotten.  In many ways it has defined our generation.  After all it is our generation searching for jobs in the crippled economy and our best and bravest fighting overseas.  We won't forget, because everyday of the rest of our lives has been changed.  Serving as a constant reminder.  Those attacks took thousands of lives and the subsequent retaliation has taken thousands more.  The loss of life and financial expense of maintaining two wars has been devastating, but as the years have ticked by the true cost of that day has become more and more apparent.  We are losing faith, we are losing hope.

"The American Dream is dead,"  You can hardly watch the news or explore the web without hearing this statement.  Many people feel disenfranchised by our government, the economy, and are upset that they didn't get that little white picket fence.  I understand that.  As a child I wanted to be a dinosaur.  Yet, still to this day I am merely a weak human.  I KNOW disappointment.  Luckily my dreams have changed since then, and maybe ours should to. Afterall, it is the American DREAM, not the American Guarantee.  A dream is something you have to chase.  Something you have to work for and something you may never obtain.  It is something you have to define for yourself.  That white picket fence, with a dishwasher, a steady factory job, and a tiny house was the gold standard for the 40's-70's.  That life honestly, makes me want to vomit a little bit.  For some though that is their dream, and I say go get it. 

My American dream?  My dream is always a moving target, my dream is found in the journey.  This means that I will never own it, but if I work hard enough, I will live it...  In reality the most all encompassing definition of the American Dream can be summarized by the age old phrase, "Hard work, pays off..."  That phrase is always true and the USA doesn't own the trademark.  It just has never been so evident as when the American people bought into that ideal.  We took it too a entirely new level.  Our dreams brought the world flight, electricity, light bulbs, television, the internet, and virtually every form of communication technology we all enjoy today.  We BROUGHT it!  Our government didn't give it to us.  It wasn't guaranteed, no one handed people these dreams, and certainly no one else made them realities... No one but themselves and those who also believed.  It was individuals who followed their dreams and changed the world and those individuals were American's.  They are the ones who made those dreams our own.   Everyone can dream, but American's did it so well that we had our own brand of dreaming, the "American Dream." 

Is accomplishing our dreams as easy as before 9/11?  Absolutely not...  But since when have we cared about what is hard?  We aren't entitled to an "American Dream" it is our debt.   Our debt to all those who died on this day 11 years ago.  Our debt to all those who have died ending the dreams of those who thought they could crush ours that day...  To all those who say the dream is dead.  Show some respect.  Stop expecting your dreams to come true and realize that as an American it is expected of you to earn it.  To all those who thought they could crush our dreams on 9-11-01, today is 9-11-12 and this American's dreams are very much alive.  I love this country, and as long as I and millions of others like me have a pulse,  you will never kill the American Dream.

Phoenix

I haven't been blogging.  Obviously.  But today I was like wait just a damn a minute, "You still live a pretty damn interesting life and people need you... Stop being selfish."  I know that I sometimes live through my facebook friends and their cute little babies and families.  And I know those people need me, too.  When that baby pukes on you...  When they just won't listen.  When your wife keeps saying, "listen.... listen..... listen..... listen.....listen....listen...." or "look at the baby... look at the baby.... Why aren't you looking at your baby? Is it because you think i look fat in these pants?  I HATE you..."  Or you may look at your husband from time to time and think, "Gosh, I'm bored."  When you wake up at 6 am and go to that job that you f*cking hate.  When you ask yourself when did it come to this?  I'll be there.  Carrying the torch of freedom.  Unshackled, unburdened, and keepin on.  Keepin on for all those who can't.

I admittedly have been down and out, lately...  Playing video games, working, stuffing my face with this new found abundance of food, and being basically the worst.  But upon reflection my last two weeks still have been pretty interesting even if I haven't been a complete nomad...

I was in a movie...  Ya, random I know.  Am I an actor?  Absolutely not.  Do I live a random life and know a lot of interesting people? Yes.  My friend Marcus from USU through an odd chain of events ended up helping produce a short film.  It was a western and they had two horses bail out last minute.  Insert me.  I happened to have a good horse available and I always say yes to an adventure, so last minute I loaded up Oppie and headed out to White Rocks, Skull Valley, UT.  I made it out there just before dark the night before the shoot.  It was a long damn ways.  First thing I see is a middle aged man just standing there in a breechclout.  Yes, I thought at first that it was a loincloth but this wasn't the last time we would all be treated with this sight and he explained the difference in detail the second time.  Thank you for that crazy old man.  He was under the canopy, with a bunch of other ordinarily clothed people and he was as comfortable as can be.  Gotta respect him for that.  He also had an awesome beard mustache combo and was overall best summed up as a half crazy badass.   There were 4 girls at the "encampment" and they might have been thee most annoying collection of people I have ever met.  Well, up to that point.  This would be outdone by just one person the next day.   This one guy was probably 30 and acted like a 14 year old and reminded everyone that he was mormon every five seconds...  We didn't get along so well, but our quarrels definitely made the more boring part of the day more interesting.  Plus I got to kick him to the ground.  It was incredibly rewarding.

I said a quick hello to my good buddy Marcus, ate a quick meal, went through introductions, and crawled into the back of the truck to sleep for the night.  Mind you this was the peak of me feeling sick.  I was not doing well.  My horse made sure that I did not sleep more than an hour that night.  He was whinnying all night, and just completely restless.  He is a dominant horse, and he wanted at the other horses brought by the crazy cowboy/indian guy.  So at 4:30 AM my day started.  My horse wouldn't be needed until 7 but I couldn't sleep and neither could he.  I was worried that he wouldn't act well around new horses and the way he was up to this point had me thinking that my horse was about to embarrass me.  Time to wear him down.  I saddled him up and as soon as it got light enough to see I started riding.  I ran him up and down the road and up to the other horses and away. Close and away. Close and away.  I repeated this time and time again until he quit throwing a big fit about leaving the other horses.  After about an hour he was automatic.  Maybe he won't embarrass me afterall.

The sun took longer too arrive then the director thought and the shoot was now over an hour behind schedule.  This is when I was asked if someone who has never been on a horse could ride my horse backwards.  Any of you with horses have to know how funny this proposition is.  For those who don't its basically the equivalent of someone asking if there 14 year old can take your car on the free way.  I don't know how much plot I can give away so I'll just say I stunt doubled for a 5'5 mexican guy.

I also had a role as a bandit.  Ya.  My face is on the big screen (provided any festivals pick this thing up)...  I always thought that if I ever had to act I would always just look at the camera.  But, it turns out that I am pretty decent.  Especially if I am playing a role I have played since infancy... A cowboy.  It came natural.  Almost too natural.  Ha the main character was a slow draw and as a bad guy I was destined to lose.  It was hard to draw slow...  As a gun enthusiast I have a pretty quick draw.  Everything in me wanted to win.  But I was scripted to lose.  So I did so.  And died valiantly.   I also had a part later in the movie.  Or earlier its tough to say they don't shoot these things chronologically.  But again I don't know how much I can say.  Anyway my horse outdoes me in appearances and he does awesome!!!  I mean he really steals the show in my unbiased opinion ;)

FYI when I make it big I won't forget all you little people out there ;)
Ryan Hibler
Bandit
Animal Handler
Stunt rider   

The End?

I was just getting amped up for the most exciting and intense portion of my journey.  The west.  I knew what I wanted to do and my plans included some pretty amazing things.  I was back in my territory and had dreamed of doing some of these things all of my adult life.  Well just read my AMPED!!! post to see how I felt about it.  I was so excited for what awaited that I was ignoring the fact that I hadn't felt well since Chicago.  I told myself that it was just a lingering hang over from a rough night in Chicago.  If you have been following the blog you also know that during my time in New England I went through about a week of not feeling well and not posting...  What I didn't mention was that during that time I noticed a small rash on my inner thigh.  By the time I noticed the rash though my symptoms and it quickly disappeared.  Out of sight out of mind.  When I reached South Dakota the joint and muscle stiffness combined with the feeling a little bit out of it became a little harder to ignore, but I overcame this and ignored them anyway.  I did so much in those two days, I'm sure part of the reason why I hit it so hard was to show myself that I was fine.  Better than ever in fact.  In a way I was.  The sick me is still better than the me I left as, both physically and mentally.  But I learned there is a limit.

I was making my way towards Banff National Park, AB, CN when I became more tired and my knees and ankles were popping just in the motion of braking and hitting the gas...  I pulled over to a rest stop and decided to check for the rash.  It was back.  I sent some text to my doctor friend and she said that it is very possible that I have Lyme.  She made it seem like no big deal however and some antibiotics would make me right as rain.  Such a small deal that it shouldn't even slow my adventure down.  I was at a crossroads.  I was as close to home as I was going to be for a long time.  I decided to get a hotel room and spend the night in Sheridan, WY to think about it and hit up an instacare in the morning.  I did a 3-4 mile run that night once again just to prove to myself that I was okay.  The run went fine and I thought if I can do that I can continue on.  I woke up at 2 a.m. that morning and the question period was over it was time to go home and see a doctor.  So i made the long drive home.  I stopped at Maple Grove hot springs to surprise some friends and maybe do a little bear river float.  It was kind of weird to see things were just the same when so much had changed for me.  I was starting to feel the illness and the very early wake up so I knew there would be no float for me.  It was really hard to come back before I was ready.  Though I had no reason to be I kind of felt ashamed.  Like I had let myself down.  I didn't finish.  In the end this just wasn't how I wanted it to happen...

I headed straight back to Logan to the instacare clinic.  I had to ask for antibiotics because the doctor said it was probably too late.  I said well we probably should be safe and do them anyway.  She agreed and we did some blood work to confirm whether its Lyme or not.  Still waiting on that.  She did say however that I would need to follow up for several weeks to make sure it doesn't get more serious...  Good thing I didn't continue on I guess?

I headed straight home.  I felt defeated, weak, and just plain down.  This was supposed to be a happy experience coming home.  Returning triumphant and complete.  But timing is everything and this time was no where near right.  I was broken and unfinished.  It is hard to describe traveling alone in the fashion I did.  Everything is different.  Just over two months of life passed for everyone else.  For me it felt like a lifetime.  When you are doing something new and different every day.  When everyday is an adventure, a trial, and unique you catalog it different.  You are living everyday.  No repetition no lost days.  It feels like I have gained at least an extra year or two of LIFE.  It was a world and understanding in gestation and it had to be cut short.  It felt like I was on the verge of something great, something greater than myself, but now it has been stolen from me.  I am not done, I am not giving up, but what has been undone by returning to the familiar too soon cannot be recovered.  I love my family and look forward to spending time with friends, but my mind and my heart is elsewhere, camped underneath the stars wondering if that sound I hear is a bear.  Doesn't sound like the end to me?     

      

Last couple days (written rant style)

Yesterday afternoon I arrived at Badlands National Park in South Dakota. It's a lot like some areas in southern Utah but with more grass. The fossil dig going on and the visitor center were great. I nerded out pretty hard if I say so myself. But I was there to see some Bison in their ancestral home and after seeing some posters to please report any sightings of the swift fox I set out to find them too. Prairie dogs, bighorns, and finally Bison! Hundreds of them and they were just like cows except more tame...

They were so thick in the primitive and free camping area that I decided to take advantage of the fact that this national park lets you explore and camp anywhere in the wilderness portion as long as you are atleast a half mile from the road and out of sight. So very late in the day after giving some impromptu educational tours about the wildlife too some city dwellers (people under appreciate how awesome pronghorn are and I couldn't let them refer to them as deer, also I needed to explain why some bison were by there lonesome).  I Loaded up the pack and headed out. Not long after i headed out i spotted a very fast and very small canid running away as I made my way towards a grove of trees. It was a Swift fox score! I found the perfect campsite and quickly set up my tent so I could do a little bit of exploring before dark. In my short exploration I found two deer, a coyote, lots of nightjars, bats, as well as where I wanted to go in the morning.

I ended up sleeping outside of my tent and looking at the most amazing display of stars and the milky way that I have seen in a long long time all the while listening to the yips and howls of the coyotes.  A little buck also came within feet of my tent. Sleeping outside the tent had consequences though and  for the first time in the trip I got cold! I almost never get cold sleeping but the dew was very thick making my bag wet and the temperature dipped to about 45 degrees overnight. I wasn't too cold but I had to curl up in that bag just to get comfortable.

I officially woke up at about 6 and set out to do some exploring. I saw some monster white tail bucks and dreaded the fact that I didn't have a nice camera. I got within about 80 yards but that is still to far for the go pro. I saw 4 coyotes and another swift fox this time just trotting about 60 yards in front of me. The white tail, coyotes, and pronghorn on the park were just as wild as anywhere else.... The bison and sheep were like pets. After it started to warm up I headed back to the tent to load up and get on my way. After making my way back to the car i knew I had to head to rapid city. (I had an air filter ordered to meet me there) and had to see mount Rushmore.  Leaving the park I notified the rangers and they seemed genuinely interested in my sightings and had multiple questions for me.  It felt good :)

Mount Rushmore was awesome. But I didn't stay long I needed to get more exercise today and the presidential trail wasn't going to do it... Oh and by the way I have had the damnedest time finding stickers for my cargo carrier! Can you believe not one bumper sticker at mount Rushmore and the same with niagara! Wtf? I ended up jogging the presidential trail just because I was sick of listening to all the people bitch about the stairs... I just wanted to show them, see this isn't so bad I'm JOGGING it! Oh I did stop to look at a random mountain goat just hanging out getting high on all the patriotism. Then I set out not knowing exactly where i wanted to go, when google maps showed a peak and I was like hmmmm... So I googled it and it was the highest peak east of the Rockies.... I thought well I gotta hike that bastard then. So I did. 8 miles and two-three hours later I was done. I'm so glad I did it.   I have certainly done tougher longer hikes but The watch tower was awesome. Coolest watch tower in the world end of story. It was cooler than most castles in pretty sure. I Just had my typical pasta sides and tuna dinner and off to bed in free national forest camping. Love it!

Sent from my iPhone

AMPED!!!!

I gotta admit I was getting sick of all these trees up in my grill... I mean trees are wonderful and all but holy shit sometimes I like to be able to see more then 20 ft... Since about Georgia all I have seen is trees and rolling glacial carved hills... It's beautiful but it's been pretty much the same from there to New Brunswick. That is of course an over generalization but you get the point. I need my space and I need some more diversity...

I'm in South Dakota now and have a very good idea of where I want to go for the rest of the trip. How to get there and what to do. This is a first since Colorado! It feels amazing. Also camping will be much cheaper mostly free and easy to find.

Mountain biking will become more mountain. Hikes will become epic. Wilderness will be more wild an I'll be more rad... I can't tell you how great it feels to be back west. Deserts, forest, alpine, lakes, rivers. You name it it's here.

The east you have been great. Really you are wonderful and it's not you it's me. .. But you are kind of plain when it comes to your natural areas... Yes you have Katahdin and mount Washington but the west has Rainier and the Tetons... Your cities and history are great and I have definitely appreciated the much needed culture injection. But I need some new and that pioneering spirit. Plus it's so much cheaper out here. Your just too expensive and kinda used up. No offense...

Ah screw it I'll just say how I really feel. West coast best coast suckah's!!!!


Sent from my iPhone

Another try at the video. WARNING: Explicit content

A lot of people wonder what it's like to travel alone...  This is why it is amazing, you end up making friends who can do this...  Forgive my dumb comment.  I was in shock at how well she got down like Dre!  She also was a trivia genius.